Protecting Working Americans From Occupiers

Protecting Working Americans From Occupiers

As local Police Departments require Occupiers to spend longer periods awake and less connected to each other, the Occupiers come in contact more often with working, tax-paying people; contributing members of society. Unfortunately, these interactions sometimes end badly for the under-fed Occupiers. Occupiers apparently subsist on a primarily vegan diet, leading to an over-all weakened physical condition.

In New York City and Oakland, addresses this challenge by supporting local efforts to protect working people from those dang dirty hippies. Our efforts deter the Occupiers when they try to delay folks from getting to work. We are testing an “app” that uses the latest “sniffer technology” to pinpoint the movements and locations of Occupiers so regular folks can alter their travel routes quite easily thereby avoiding delays. (The app is curently testing in New York City, Oakland and several other undisclosed cities before general release.) During the late summer and fall, when the Occupiers are at their stinkiest, our “Guarding Your Angel” patrol members safely escort children around unsanitary Occupy
encampments to school. Thanks to grants from, local Fire Departments have begun spraying Occupiers with an anti-baterial foam to improve public safety by preventing the spread of contagions and cooties. volunteers provide “stupidity-free-zones” where large numbers of nine-to-fivers come outside to rest and eat during their lunch hour. The volunteeers then facilitate the transfer of leftover, un-eaten lunches to homeless folks that Occupiers STILL won’t share their donated food with. has also funded homeless peoples “Passive Security Training” sessions so the homeless can protect their few food sources from the foraging Occupiers. Furtunatelty for our homeless friends, cold weather seems to drive the Occupiers back to their REAL homes thus decreasing the competition for scarce food supplies. Sadly, homeless folks are still homeless in the cold weather and volunteers encourage the homeless to seek warmth in local shelters and supports clothing drives to help these poor folks survive the winter.

Sometimes when disturbed, but usually for no good reason at all, Occupiers stampede and leave behind shattered windows and
other crimes of senseless vandalism. These crime scenes attract brave Police Officers and insurance company adjusters, bringing them
into often dangerously close proximity with stinky Occupiers. is following a Federal Government study/project
to relocate hundreds of these germ-laden Occupiers away from clean members of society, diverting the Occupiers and helping to keep contributing members of society safe. reporter “Shallow Esophagus” is currently embedded with one team of scientists/reasearchers/mental health professionals from this Federal/State Government program which is tranquilizing, tagging and relocating Occupiers to less populated areas. The program reportedly had its genisis in a program from years ago that studied the migration patterns of “Dead-Heads” (People who followed the Grateful Dead from show to show). The data collected in that earlier study is proving most useful as “Dead-Heads” seem to be a subset of the Occupiers. We hope to post a report on this program in the coming weeks.

Please feel free to comment or share this news with interested parties.


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